Grief of a Scurvy Elephant…or maybe not

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I recently wrote a post about receiving, and my buddy, Carrie, replied as follows:

“Hi there, HA. (HA is a delightful short form moniker that Carrie assigned me for Holy Angel. Holy Angel is a name the Guides gave me in 2016 when, not known to me consciously, I had made a decision to break the contract I had set up for myself in this lifetime. Apparently, my original journey was to come in, heal depression, get happy and check out at the age of 63. I am now 65. The only thing that I can contribute to this change of mind was the information Leni was receiving about the Ego.)  Carried asked: Are you familiar with Wayne Dyer’s old story about how as a child he mis-heard someone in an authority position referring to him as a “disturbing element” — but he thought they said “scurvy elephant”? I just thought I’d tell you that you are one of my very favorite scurvy elephants. Go get em, Girlie.”

I love when Carrie calls me names, as I always experience an endearing whoosh factor.

My Mom (aka Ellie and Honey), pulled the rug out from beneath me when she dropped dead on October 1, at the age of 86.  Her Mom lived until 102, so we assumed we had lots of time with her.  This, from a woman who drove her brand new minivan back and forth from her home in Canada to our homes in Pennsylvania. Always spunky and full of life. She had been with us for 3-1/2 weeks in PA, as my Aunt Pat was making her transition at home. She died September 11. Ellie was there every single day, cooking and holding down the fort. One day she grabbed my arm and said, “I don’t want you to ever have to do this for me!” She got her wish.

My brother Jeff received a call from her lawyer, Kathleen, to let us know that Mom had died. Kathleen and another dear friend of Mom’s, named Leslie, were to meet Mom for breakfast on the morning of October 3. She did not show up, was not answering her phone so they decided to go to her apartment, and when they saw her minivan still in the parking lot, became alarmed. They contacted the building manager, Belinda, who lived next door to Mom. She met them at Mom’s apartment, and said that the 2 days’ worth of newspapers at her door, was not a good sign and she had to call the police. The police arrived, went in and found her dead, and then asked if anyone knew the next of kin. Pretty damn convenient that Kathleen just happened to be her lawyer and her friend and knew exactly who to call. And there were a lot of these conveniences that would make this road a little easier. Thank you, Ellie.

Jeff and I drove to Canada on October 3, crying all the way. And I slipped way down the rabbit hole of grief. Unlike the depression I had experienced for years, this felt different. It was quite intense with a lot of regret and guilt thrown in, and though wallowing, I knew it would not consume me.

We arrived in the evening and Jeff went to stay with his friend, Billy, and I went to stay with my friend, Linda. They welcomed us into their homes and gently sat with us.

The following morning Jeff and I were to meet with Kathleen. The very first thing she wanted us to know is that Mom had died sometime late Sunday evening. And then she snapped her fingers, as she said the coroner wanted us to know that it was an instantaneous catastrophic heart event and she had not laid there and suffered. Ahhhhh, so good to know.  After going through the will, she told us that she had very sensitive information and that it had kept her up all night.  I asked her if she meant the hoarding? She was greatly relieved, that yes, indeed we did know. No one had been in Ellie’s apartment for over 20 years, except me. Two years ago she had a heart event, and ended up in the hospital. It was the first time she had ever been hospitalized since Jeff’s birth, over 61 years ago. At the hospital, they told her that either she would have to go somewhere for rehabilitation or that they would send a social worker to see if she was able to be home. I know that scared the shit out of her as she did not want anyone at her apartment. And I’m really not sure how she magically avoided those scenarios. After she arrived home, I began to bug her to let me in and get the apartment cleaned up. We went back and forth for about a month, and sometimes the intensity of her anger would have me reeling. She finally said, yes, you can come and help me, BUT I have a list of rules. Nothing new, she was always in control. As she read the rules, I paid her no attention, something I had learned a long time ago. I finally asked her if she trusted ANYONE. She thought, and then said, no. I asked her then if she could please, at least, trust me.  When she opened the door to the apartment, she became half her size (and she was tiny) and looked so shameful. I’m not sure what I was expecting as I had religiously avoided watching shows about hoarders, but I walked around, following the path and said, well, it’s just lots of shit and something we can tackle. And I was so damn happy with myself as there was no judgment.

I drove to Canada every month for 6 months and every single time she had a different excuse. She told me that she just wanted to hang out with me and learn what Leni and I were learning, and that was a beautiful time in our lives. At the end of the 6 months, I realized I did not want to go to war with her about something so silly, so the apartment never did get cleaned out.

At that time, she started asking Leni for readings and one day told us that her Grandmother had lived to 82, her Mother had lived to 102 and she thought it would be fun to go to 122. Now, being the scurvy elephant that I am, I am always thrilled when someone wants to experiment with something wildly crazy and I become their biggest flag-waving fan. And she was doing great. In the summer of 2016, the Guides showed us that she had actually dropped 10 years on the inside.

Last February she was visiting with us for her 86th birthday, and something had changed. She told me that she did not want to live to 122. I kind of shrugged, and she said something like she would show me. I spent the next several days, handing over my sadness around her decision and there was some grief. But, I am not in charge of anyone’s world, and this was just one more reminder to only love her and respect her decision.

After we left Kathleen’s office, we drove to her bank to talk with Viktor. He was her personal banker, another huge fan of Mom’s and had known and loved her for years. When we walked in, he realized by our puffy faces and slitty eyes that something was off. He then sat down at his desk and sobbed. Jeff is the Executor so there was some passing of the torch around Canadian finances.

Next, we were off to the funeral home to view Mom before cremation. Her wishes were always: no viewing, no funeral, have a party and then scatter the ashes. Before we arrived, I received a call from Kathleen’s office. They did not want to be inappropriate in any way, but had a request. Leslie, one of Mom’s friends she was to have had breakfast with the day before, would like to see Mom. I said, of course, please have her meet us there. Jeff and I immediately fell in love with her and she became a great friend and part of our cleanup crew in the weeks to follow.

The little girl at the funeral home said Mom would be ready at 2:40. I was a little ambivalent about seeing her at first, but changed my mind. Our friend, Billy, also joined us. I almost shit when I saw her! She looked like a 150 year old Native American Man. I was so delighted because there was nothing that resembled her. Jeff, Billy and Leslie also had the same reaction, but oddly, we were all happy about it. The poor little girl looked like she was going to have a heart attack, until we reassured her that she had done a great job and we were very happy.

Jeff had some other business to attend to and the one thing we did not have was Ellie’s Canadian Social Insurance Number. I asked Leslie to go to Mom’s apartment with me and look for it. I also wanted to know if Leslie knew about the hoarding. She told me she had a hint because of the stuff in Mom’s minivan. She said she had met Ellie once a month for breakfast for over 30 years, and Mom had never invited to her apartment. I was told to contact Belinda, the apartment manager as she had changed the locks.

I had some thoughts around this. As outgoing and friendly as Ellie was, there were some very private parts to her life. She had so many friends in Canada that we only knew by their first names, and we had never met them. Also, I was the only one who had been to her apartment in over 20 years. So, yeah, I’m thinking: what in the hell must these people think of us? Do they think we must be really shitty kids to never visit our Mother? Do they even know she has kids? All those ‘made-up’ thoughts tumbling around were troubling. When I finally met Belinda, all those disturbing thoughts simply vanished. She grabbed me and gave me a big hug and said: I fucking loved your Mom! Oh, how delightful. I told her I was worried that maybe she didn’t know about us and she said that they had beer and tacos every Tuesday night and how Mom adored us all.  I then asked her if she knew the shape of Mom’s apartment. She said she sure did as every once in awhile there were things to be fixed in the apartment. As Leslie and I entered the apartment with Belinda, I was blown away as to how neither one of them had any judgment around the stockpiling. They just adored Mom, and that was it.

There was a path through the kitchen and dining room that led to her “little nest”. One corner of her couch was where she slept. There was another little path to her bathroom, and tons and tons of shit, stacked up to my waist. We began digging through mounds and mounds of paperwork on her kitchen counter. In 40 minutes, we did not find the the insurance card, but uh, between the two of us, we uncovered $5,000 in Canadian and American money. Jeff and I had to leave the next morning returning to Pennsylvania, as our brother Andy, was arriving from Texas for AppleFest in Franklin, where Jeff lives. I didn’t want anyone to know what we had found, as we seemed to have entered an alternate universe. I called Belinda and asked her if she thought the apartment was secure. Her answer was perfect: I fucking live next door so no one will get in that apartment. Ellie had certainly surrounded herself with angels.

When I arrived back at Linda’s place, she asked me if anything had happened at 2:40. I told her about the viewing and she said she had something to show me in her kitchen. At 2:40, her kitchen clock had flown clear across the kitchen and smashed into the opposite wall. She had left it lying on the floor to show me, and it had stopped at 2:40. Oh wow, we definitely knew it was Mom so I told Linda I would check in with Leni for a message. Leni said: Honey is laughing so hard. She said that her newly acquired powers apparently had a learning curve. She was merely trying to comfort Linda, not scare the shit out of her, and she was as surprised as Linda when it happened. Nice. Linda has put that clock back up, complete with the gash on the side as her own little tribute to Mom.

When I arrived home, I asked Leni for something to help me with the grief. I’m not sure why I have always questioned the validity of grief, but maybe because I have always hated feeling so sad. The pain felt intolerable, plus throw in all the other crap that comes with it such as guilt, resentment, shock, and an unbearable loss. The Guides asked me to work with it via The Healing Blueprint (see egointegration.com for the exercise), and to keep handing the sadness over. They said that when we do grieve, it is actually disrespectful to those who have passed. Huh. Guess I’ve been on to something my entire life.

She also had a message for me, from Mom:

Honey says that she was made for Spirit life. She feels and sounds nothing like her human self; very angelic and light compared to before. She says that Papa (my Dad, Paul, who killed himself in 1984), Aunt Pat (her sister in law who passed September 11, 2017), Uncle Bob (her brother), Melissa (her granddaughter) and Aunt Lynn (my Dad’s sister) were there to greet her. She says “at least I got to wear my funeral clothes that I bought for Aunt Pat before I crossed”. That was a joke and she sees the hilarity of it now. She says that she understands what we do now and says that we will help a lot of people with what we are doing Her energy is really strong and I can feel her now trying to comfort me as she comforted everyone in their own time of grief.

She said that although she believed us about spirits, she really was afraid that earth was all there was. This is a typical human fear and most people feel this way. She says that she understands everything now and feels so much better than she did before, as far as being physically comfortable. She says that she can help us make connections now with people that we need to connect with in life as far as our company goes. She was always good at that as a human. She says that she is so proud of you and loves you so much. She says that there is so much intricacy in the soul lessons that we choose to experience here. As a human, one of your soul lessons was to learn about power and emotion. The way she was with you with the harshness, was part of that.

That is all over now and she said that she did her best to love you through that harshness when she was in human form. So, if it seemed at times that she couldn’t or didn’t love you as much as a mother should, it was only because of that. She says that she was basically programmed to not tolerate certain things. She says that it is a genius set-up the way things are here on earth. She says that we are right and none of this is real. She says this is so rare and so different from what a soul knows as reality, and it is such a big deal to come here and experience this ‘life as a human’. She says ‘it’s not that souls do not get approved to come here,  a lot of them do not, but it is that they do not have the stomach for it. Everything is opposite here of what actual reality is’.

Now that she is on the other side of it, she can see herself incarnating on earth again, but not for a long while. She laughs and says her soul need a break. Once again, she says that she loves you so much and hopes you understand that she was only ‘pretending’ to be harsh and cold. That is not who she really is as a soul.

Now she will be your Guardian Angel and can do so much more good that she could as a human. She says she can help multiple people at once now. That is what she means about rise to power. She was joking about that, but kind of not joking. I asked her what she thinks about you going through her apartment and she laughed and said it’s just stuff. I thought it was important to save things for people and for a rainy day, like I always needed to be prepared for something, but does not care about that now.  (A later reading from December 25 further explains how she felt about the hoarding: You and Jeff handled my apartment with such respect and dignity. You made it as fun as it could be for everyone too, and I can’t believe that you got it all done so fast. I was quite the collector.  As it is now, I am no longer able to feel humiliation, but if some people had found out how I lived, it would have been a very humiliating experience for me.)

She says that she deeply loves Papa and understands what the suicide was about, and has so much respect for him for having to do that to her. She says that it was hard for him as well.  It is just as hard for the soul who commits the act, maybe harder, than it is for the ones who are impacted by it. She says to think of Papa like the doctor who had to pull a rotten tooth out. He is the one who has to cause pain and bring lessons to the family or whomever, and this is very hard for a soul to do. She says these people/souls who do things like this and agree to be the source of pain should be thought of as heroes. She did not see that before. She only thought of him as selfish and weak.

Now, she sees him as we saw him and she will never forget the soul lesson that she learned from his suicide. She says he was only supposed to be on the planet for so long. She asks that we see this in everyone. That we understand that there is literally nothing that a person could do to prolong his or her life, if they were here to teach this particular (soul) lesson to others. They are only supposed to be on the planet for so long. They are not weak, pathetic or evil as one might think, they are simply not able to cope because their destiny is to leave the planet early. She says to think of them as a robot that has been programmed wrong or messed up. You should genuinely feel for them because they are wired in such a manner that they are not normal and must attempt to function as others do, but it will never be so because they have this soul lesson to carry out.

She only thought of those types of people as cruel, but understands them completely now. She genuinely thought of the universe as cruel before and wondered why things happened but now knows that this could and would never happen without our agreeing to it as souls and being complicit in the act itself, and having deep respect and love for each other. She says souls agree to this for learning purposes, and a multitude of reasons.

She says:”‘why agree to it in the first place? Why not? Earth is like this goldmine of learning. It is human nature to want to learn. Humans get this from their soul lineage because souls are extremely curious about everything. If you could take part in being the first to experience grief as a species or as a soul, most would jump at the chance. It is like exploring the ocean or Mars, and souls are very curious to, not only learn about these things, but to take part in them. It is unprecedented exploration here on earth. You can explore geographical locations, but the main exploration here is with emotions”.

She is happy that she got to see everyone one last time. She loves you and says that she is not going anywhere and you can call on her anytime.

Many things now made sense, including our relationship, which was not always easy. I was her only daughter. She was an only daughter, and Leni is my only daughter. Her relationship with her Mom was somewhat harsh, so that was the only way she knew how to parent me. And I was a little rebellious. Years ago, I realized how my growing up years were not based on love, so I set out to see if I could do it differently. And, shit, I made a lot of mistakes, and always out loud, as I stomped around trying to figure it out. A couple of years ago Ellie told me that she would love to have the relationship that Leni and I had, and I told her that maybe she could change her mind about me. But, while here, that did not happen.

By October 6, a mere three days after learning about her abrupt departure, I saw how the Healing Blueprint was working, and damn, I was so amazed. It was like the grief was lifting and I was kind of stumbling around in awe, so I kept at it. A couple of days later, I was trying to explain it to someone and they said: Oh Sal, you have to grieve! And, shit, apparently part of me bought into it, and I didn’t see it coming.

Jeff and I headed back to Canada the following Monday. After finding that $5,000, we realized that our project was possibly much bigger than we anticipated, because now we would have to go through every single piece of paper. And I am not kidding when I say that we probably handled over one million pieces of paper.

I have two very great friends in Canada, Linda and Marian. They always told me that if and when a time came that I would have to go through Mom’s apartment, they would be happy to help me. Also, my new buddy, Leslie, also offered to help. Because they all adored Mom, again there was no judgment and that was wildly beautiful to experience as we set out on the greatest treasure hunt ever.

I was stopped constantly by many of the people in the apartment building. I look like Mom, and suddenly she is not there, but I am. They were all as sad and shocked as we were and every single one of them wanted to let us know how much they adored Mom.

Linda, Marian, Leslie, Jeff and I began the dismantling as a team, and really, it was the greatest crew ever. The first couple of days were spent standing, as there was nowhere to sit. Linda and Marian both have bad backs and would spray each other with some magical spray that would get them through the day. Sometimes those days would be 8-10 hours. We always had either lunch or dinner together as a pack. We needed daily breaks away from the apartment. And one of them was always showing up with Timmies, that famous Canadian Tim Horton coffee and timbits or cookies.

So many decisions to be made as to what to keep, and Jeff and I were also making decisions for our twin brothers, Mick and Andy. Mick lives in Switzerland and Andy lives in Texas. We somehow flowed into what I can only describe as a one-mind way of thinking. Our crew would always ask if something was important, instead of just throwing it away. So much attention to detail. We would eventually find 52 pairs of brand new shoes, a flat screen TV still in the box, hundreds of books, 4 brand new coffee makers, many beautiful brand new pots and pans, and Good Lord, my damn wedding dress was in the bottom of a closet. Uh, she had previously told me that she did not keep it.

Near the end of the first day, I stumbled upon another packet of cash. More wondering how in the hell any of this was possible. Another one of the reasons we were so damn surprised by this all is that Ellie was extremely generous. Everyone who was near to her had a story about how she always paid, always, even if it was her birthday. We arrived at a place that when we were at a restaurant and the server approached our table, Jeff would point to her and shout: SHE’S PAYING!

Jeff and I traveled back to Windsor, the following Tuesday.  That is when we found out there were 6 storage units, instead of the one she told us about, and then there was Richard. Neither Jeff nor I had ever heard his name and Leslie was softly introducing us to him. She eventually told us that he had over 100 boxes of Mom’s stuff at his home and they had been there for over 30 years. WTF???  But, my God, when I finally met this gentle gentle man who adored Mom, I knew it was some kind of divine kismet that they were to meet in this lifetime.

During the unearthing, I found a shoe box full of cash. Like I said, we had entered an alternate universe and our thinking had to completely re-arrange. Because it had to be taken out of all those bank envelopes that were very neatly placed inside of old utility bill envelopes that were then placed in boxes, tins, shoe boxes, counted, taken to the bank, and if it was late in the day, we had to figure out what to do with the money at night. When we  went to lunch or dinner, we were always carrying two red Toyota shopping bags full of money in plastic storage containers. She probably had as many of those as she did cash. I decided then to clean off her dining table as I needed a place to count money. Crazy. And some days that is all I did…count money.

The following day I began to find savings bonds, bank books and letters from investment companies that Jeff had absolutely no idea about, and kind of made him sad, at first, as he thought he had a handle on everything.  Contacting people and figuring it all out was a huge puzzle. Jeff quickly became and expert.

And the look on Viktor’s face when we would arrive, again and again, with all that money and Viktor and the bank employees would stop everything and triple-count it. We were all in awe and there would be much whooping when we would find another “Honey Hole”. (My kids called her Honey as did many of her friends.)

We eventually reached a point where we could sit on the ground to go through things. She had at least 5 bookcases, full of books and of course, every one of those had to be gone through, but it ended up, there was never money in a book, or in any of the purses we found. I plopped myself down in front of a small bookcase, recently uncovered that we had not previously seen, and found shoe boxes and tins full of money, and 8 hours later I emerged with a huge stash of which I had no idea how much was there.  I separated it into denominations (American and Canadian) and filled two boxes. We decided that we would go somewhere (but where) and count it together as there was way too much for one person to count. Marian invited us to their beautiful home on the Detroit River. We picked up pizza and beer and Jeff, myself, Linda, Leslie, Marian and her husband Gary began to count.  More alternate universe flying around as we all were on overload as to how in the hell she had done this. When my Dad killed himself in 1984, Ellie was left with a house that she sold and got a little bit of money for. There was no insurance, no pension and she was waiting tables. She continued waiting tables until she was 80 years old.  None of this accumulation made sense, to anyone, but it became the most fun treasure hunt ever. And then, thank God, Billy had a safe for us to put it in overnight.  And then there were bags and bags and bags of change. It took 5 of us an entire day to separate the American and the Canadian change.

By the way, this took place over 5 weeks and most days were 8 hour days, just digging and deciding what to do with all that stuff. And my crew, Linda, Marian and Leslie were amazing. If they thought something was important, they would ask and often, would just know something would be important and would pack it into one of the many suitcases and send it home with me.

We uncovered a brand new flat screen TV and my Mom never watched TV. Belinda knew a perfect elderly couple in the building who would really appreciate it. After she delivered it, she wanted us to know that were so grateful and said it felt like Christmas to them.

Early on Saturday evening, there was a knock on the door and Jeff answered and then asked me to come into the hall. Abdul, a neighbor from upstairs and his two teenage sons had arrived to see why Mom had not come up for dinner. It was a monthly event, that she never missed. And more big sobbing sloppy tears as we told them what had happened. Abdul and his wife are both from Pakistan and both engineers in Detroit. They are so kind and would stop in every couple of days to bring us refreshments. He said Mom was so popular that he referred to her as Windsor’s Woman. There are many refugees in her building and she just loved the shit out of all of them,and we saw that it was reciprocal.

After I returned home after the second trip, I was somehow scared to death of everything, even afraid to drive. I knew that was not me and asked Leni for a healing session. She could see how I had taken on all the grief and fear of Mom’s friends and neighbors. After the healing, I felt so much better and with this new awareness could then safeguard myself from the impact. That was weird.

The third trip to Canada I went alone as Jeff’s wife had traveled to California for 10 days and he will not leave his dog alone. I thought, well shit, what Jeff does every day with hauling things to the dump, the mission, St. Vincent de Paul, etc.  is a very integral part so I will be down a man. And then, Gary, just showed up and took over. What a blessing.

We unearthed 9 plastic patio chairs, 52 pairs of brand new shoes and I swear every single thing ever sold from a Goodwill store, still in packages. But the place did not smell, and there was very little food, except probably a million tootsie rolls, stashed in bags with thousands of napkins from fast food restaurants. Her stove was 10 years old but she never used it and it appears she did not even make coffee in her apartment. Oh yeah, in addition to the 4 brand new coffee pots, there were 4 cases of booze and she didn’t drink, except maybe a beer or glass of wine once in awhile. These were dispersed merrily among many people.

Brand new, high end pots and pans, and bags and bags of silverware. And enough clothing to take care of the homeless in Windsor for probably the next decade. When we had the apartment respectable looking, we held an Open House at the apartment building,and invited everyone to come through and pick out stuff. Man, again, people were so damn appreciative, and I felt like Santa.

Three storage units were in the basement of her apartment building and full of more surprises. Some more cash and about 40 bottles of Tide, roller blades and a broken chair. And, uh, a box with 12 bags of half-full Cheetos. (And we were always told that our crazy part came from our Dad’s side. Ha ha ha, OMG Mom, you had as much as he did.) Fortunately the laundry room was right next door so her neighbors will have clean clothes for quite some time.

When we arrived at what we thought was one outdoor storage unit, the little girl behind the counter started crying. She, too, adored Mom and said Ellie came on the last day of every month and paid her storage bill. By this time, Mick, Nicole and Ami had arrived from Europe, as well as Andy from Texas. We needed to arrange memorials in two countries with their schedules and somehow pulled it off. And there were throngs of adoring fans. Truly, I am seeing more and more how I am the daughter of the Queen of Heaven.

We began with the closest storage unit and it was full of SHIT!  As we dug deeper, we found probably the funniest thing ever. It was the back seat of someone’s minivan! But not Mom’s and it appeared to be brand new. Jeff is all WTF, but after having been at this for weeks, we made the quick decision that it was going to the dump. And we really hope no one tracks us down and is looking for it. As I dug through every single box, I found one that had layers of newspapers and underneath them was another purse. Up until this point, we had never found money in purses so I was pretty surprised when I opened it. Holy shit, more cash! But now we were outside and it was windy so I jumped in the minivan and counted and sorted.  We knew we had two good days before cold weather would hit us, so Ami, Nicole, Mick, Jeff and I were working at quite a fast pace. In the last storage unit, we found what we believe was the beginning of the money stash. There were lots of envelopes with 1 and 2 dollar Canadian bills stapled to them and that seemed to take forever to go through.

The last stop was Richard’s house and the stuff was really old shit. We did find $250 in a sock, but mostly it was things like every single baby card Mom had received for us when we were born, plus all her Mother’s letters and tons of pics of people we knew, and many we did not. More executive decisions as to what to keep and what to toss. There was also a packet of love letters, from 4 different men before she met my Dad. I also discovered the only diary she had ever kept. She was 29 years old, had 4 little kids, was living with her in-laws, my Dad was driving over an hour each way to play every night, they were trying to sell a failing business, and she was somewhat responsible for an aging Aunt, who was highly critical of everything she did. A peek into her life for 6 months was quite illuminating as to her thoughts that she was a terrible wife and an unfit Mother. Good Lord, I don’t believe she ever saw her worth.

One thing that stopped me in my tracks (and I really felt by this point that I was on a speeding freight train and could not step off) was when I found some very old pics of my Dad, probably from the 1940’s. My Dad was a Piano Man his entire life and had lived in Greenwich Village, where I believe the pic was take. It was taken from behind him from the back and the lighting and everything about it was so visually beautiful.  The other one was of him and his Mom, sitting on her front porch.

When I finally arrived home, I collapsed for three weeks with the flu and the Guides said it was a creative solution for me to rest. As the communication with Mom, via Leni, increased, I was discovering that I finally had the relationship I had always wanted with her, but was just not possible while she was alive. She could now see who I was and lots of explanations as to how she could finally see it and how proud she was of me. She said a lot of her harshness towards me was how she thought she should raise children. She had a lot of things she wanted to do in life, and did not accomplish, so she was attempting to direct me and now sees how crazy that was and no wonder I was always so rebellious with her. Although I did not fight with her verbally like she did with my brothers, I did back away and knew it was some kind of self-protection. Her mother hated her and that is all my Mom ever learned and refused to look at it any other way. She was always, always right, so we, of course, were always wrong. Until her death, she referred to us as the little bastards. A couple of years ago she told me that she was envious of my relationship with Leni. I explained that, because of her, I refused to buy into the hatred that had seeped down for I don’t know how many generations and I wanted it to change, so I changed my mind, and she could to, if she wanted to. But it just never happened and that’s OK. Because now we are here and my God, it is sublime and just so loving.

I also began to realize, after seeing those pics of my Dad, that we were now free to love him again. She had been mad at him for so many years, and wanted us to be mad also, and I guess we were. Now that they are together again, in a great deep friendship and not partners, Leni said: Mom I wish you could see them together…THAT’S LOVE!  They are always now sending me so much love and joy, that again, it is sublime.  I can feel it deeply and it gets better every day.

Another magical side to all of this is how great a team Jeff and I became. We were extraordinary in what we accomplished and no longer have to play out the war that Ellie kept everyone at. It feels like another lovely blossoming and Mom is being true to her word. She said at the beginning that she is so strong and powerful now and for us to pay attention to what will be opening up as she will work with her connections. She told me to ask, every single day: What’s Next? and then be in deep gratitude and I have been practicing.

I knew, while going through this, that it would be huge but really had no idea how big and still don’t. Just like giving us the world’s best treasure hunt, she is now showing up in some unexplained ways. I am handing everything EVERYTHING over to her now like it’s the easiest thing in the world. And I’m in awe, as always, as to how this shows up in the world. I have absolutely no idea what is coming, but I feel it bubbling through my system in a very exciting way.

And, finally, I love her so very very much, with the sadness leaving and realizing that it could not have happened if she had lived. She just had no trust, nor curiosity to change her mind, and that’ a much easier way to live when you realize we set this all up before hand.  I walk with her and my Dad all the time now and sometimes just sit and smile and love how this is all unfolding.

There were times when I would want to call her and let her know something, and then realize that it was not something that was going to happen ever again. I would be out on my God Walk and suddenly a deep sadness would overwhelm me. I would collapse into the sadness, do lots of ugly crying and then I would gently be prompted to surrender the grief, over and over.

Everyone morning, I sit on my deck to set my day. I welcome my Guides, including my Dad, Tomas Vieira, Holy Spirit, Paul (my Eg0) Jesus, and whomever pops in that particular day. The first couple of weeks, I just could not welcome Mom. I was given the thought to just relax around it, and finally, before the end of October, she appeared. And it was beautiful and magical and I could finally relax into her love.

On January 18th, I woke up and realized that I had walked through the past few months, in somewhat of a fog, but I knew that morning that I was back. No sadness, no regrets, but  definitely an experience that Mom and I had agreed upon. On this side, there is no lingering grief. You won’t find me sharing posts or sympathy cards about the Death of Mother as I am clearly seeing (and living) how much that disrespects all those that have moved on.  Like everything else here that we are experiencing, the choice to grieve is exactly that…a choice. And, of course, you are allowed to choose the sadness. There is so much beauty in learning about how our unconscious thoughts rule our world, and once we identify them, we really do get to choose how to work with them. Every single day, I am consciously choosing to hand over (via the Healing Blueprint) any sad thoughts that pop in. The beautify of it all is how much love then begins to flow in. And I am always surprised with the delightful outcomes that continue to show up in my happy life.

This Scurvy Elephant made a choice…for love.

Thanx, Ellie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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